You Are What They Eat

I’ve decided to go vegan.

Stop. It’s okay. Come back. This isn’t going to be a soapbox rant, I promise. There won’t be photos of cows getting their throats slit or baby chicks getting their beaks burned off. That only works on people who are already open to the idea of veganism (such as myself) so I merely hope to explain my intentions and maybe shed a little light on the awesome benefits of being vegan.

Being vegan (pronounced VEE-gun) means consuming no animal products of any kind; surviving off a diet of completely plant-based organisms. This includes no meats, of course, but that also means no milk, eggs, cheese, and, if you’re orthodox, no honey. True vegans will also not wear fur, silk, wool, or leather since these all came from animal sources and were very likely not harvested in an animal-friendly fashion. Vegans also refrain from oral sex of any kind and hold their breath when anyone farts in case the animal proteins contained therein permeate their delicate (and need I say pompous) sinuses.

This isn’t my first foray into the vegan jungle. I was vegan for 6 months when I was still living at home. However, I quickly discovered that Tennessee does not encourage vegans as they put bacon in everything. You can’t order a salad without someone sprinkling it with lard. Then, again, in New York City I attempted to be vegan, which was SO much easier. But, alas, I was a poor college student and the vegan bakery consumed my entire paycheck as I consumed my FLT (Fakin, Lettuce, and Tomato) sandwich so I had to give up that pipe dream as well.

Now, having spent the last 2.5 years in a solid regimen of strength training with a trainer, by myself, or with P90X, I have recently hit the next chapter in which I will be playing the role of the running/biking vegan taking care of his body in more natural manners than downing caffeine pills and pounding chemically-enhanced protein shakes. (See my blog post On the Subject of Protein Farts for a more in-depth look)

I have been vegan for all of a week and people are very supportive but have so many questions! All very good questions, too, for which I seem strapped to come up with answers. So I’ve asked my good friend, Plato, Greek philosopher and fellow vegetarian, to write a guest-blog on the topic. He agreed eagerly. Here is his post.

Master, I know not how you avoid temptation of the flesh of the swine, bull, duck or fish. I could never do it. I would die.

I doubt that very much. Death would not come to you to claim your crippled, fatigued mass of flesh but, rather, would Death be thwarted and banished by your newly restored vessel! The glow of your skin would radiate as the flame flickers on the wick; your bowels would flow as sweetly as the calling bird’s lonesome song; you would shed excessive weight as naturally as the snake sheds its skin. All vitamins and minerals can be found in the natural plant world (except B12 which is easily consumed from fortified soy milks, tempehs, etc…) and are easy to consume in perfect doses if one eats a series of educated, balanced meals throughout the day.

But what about CHEESE?! I’m so addicted to cheese that I could never be vegan. I would die without cheese!

The foal, once weened from its mother’s teet, never returns to her milk; the lamb does not nurse the nipple of the lactating bitch once its own mother is dry. Mankind’s reliance on the milk of the cow, goat or sheep stems not from evolution or need of continuing its incomparable sustenance from infant days but, rather, stems from want and the obscene fascination with consuming the breast milk of another species.

But, master, how do you get your protein without animal proteins? Animals were put here for our consumption and enjoyment. What purpose does the slovenly cow serve if not to be eaten by man?

Young man, in about 300 years’ time, the world will be graced with a man claiming a direct, spiritual and biological connection to the creator of this vast universe. His name will be Jesus and he will inspire a series of writings so profound the world will never be the same. In these writings, in the very first chapter, God (as they will call it) creates man and provides for him a rich bounty of fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds and grains in the GARDEN of Eden. Then God said, “I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food.” Genesis 1:29. It was not until man put up a fuss that God expanded his allowance to “everything that lives and moves” in Genesis 9:3. The original intent, the way closest to God, as you see, was to abstain from the flesh of animals, our earthly co-inhabitants, entirely.

And different animals continue to be holy or un-eatable in different cultures. While some people would never think of consuming the meat of a dog, others have absolutely no problem munching on some mutt mutton. Cows and pigs are seen as holy beings in other cultures and are actually worshipped, never eaten. So you cannot take the word of your neighbor as the ultimate truth for it may not be in accordance with the universal view.

And now, you serf, I dare broach the delicate subject of protein, the healer of bodies, the basic building block of life. You speak true when you state the profound impact of animal proteins in man’s diets. An excellent source, indeed, is the steak or lambchop. And with that protein comes invaluable vitamins and minerals. But so too comes the fat, dietary cholesterol, and the hidden leeches of hormones, chemicals and antibiotics that have been fed to the animal to expedite the weight gain, fill out the nutritionless cornmeal, and heal their overly stressed bodies, respectively.  A vegan diet can still be abounding in protein through green, leafy vegetables, legumes, beans and nuts without playing host to the saturated fats and added hormones.  The nature of these untouched elements allows the body to better regulate itself and determine what should come next in rounding out the meal, if one is willing to listen.

And so, young scribe, mark me well.  There is no fault in the vegan diet.  Do not fear the educated man who strives to better himself for he certainly means you no disrespect.  He chooses the vegan lifestyle not only for himself and for the animals, but also for you. If the whole world went vegetarian, we would almost immediately end world hunger (1 acre of land can produce 20,000 pounds of vegetables or a scant 165 pounds of meat) and diseases like hypertension, diabetes and cancer would fly out the proverbial window. As Albert Einstein will eventually say, “Nothing will benefit human health and increase chances for survival of life on Earth as much as the evolution to a vegetarian diet.”

Well said, Plato.  Well said, indeed.

Dear Reader: Did you have a dog growing up? What did you call it? If you lived in China, you might call it brunch.

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