On the Subject of Protein Farts

Ok, let’s just agree to all be adults here. Adults fart. Sure, kids fart. But adults FART. I once farted in a crowd of people while watching a show and I could actually feel the audience members around me losing years off their lives. The little girl in the row in front of me turned to her Mom with tears in her eyes and the Mom just waved her off, unable to provide the support needed for this girl to understand the injustice that had just befallen her.

My farts have texture. They sometimes damn near have color. They definitely could be considered to be another living person residing in my household if the U.S. Census man calls.

And this is because of the protein. The protein that I consume daily to keep my body fueled through my intense workout regimen. I’m vegetarian so protein comes in 3 forms: Nuts, fish (Yes I said I’m vegetarian but that’s a whole other blog entry) and this gas nectar you see here.

In the morning or right after a workout, I take in about 50 grams of protein in one of these shakes. Right before bed, I pour another 25 grams of protein over some cereal. Everything else I get through other sources throughout the day.

The main problem is that the farts feel so good. I build up a lot of gas and then I let go of a lot of gas. You do the math. I can’t NOT fart. It hurts. But then people make bad faces in my general direction.

That’s why I like driving. I can roll the windows down and just let myself go. But I usually have to Febreze the car about once a week.

-J

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