Act Like You Have Some Self-Respect

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May 18

When I say

Sean Connery

What do you think of?

James Bond. Sex. That accent that sounds like he’s talking through a mouthful of marshmallow fluff.

What probably does not come to mind is this…

That’s right. Sean Connery is just an actor…

Actor noun
An attention-crazed individual who will wear anything and say anything you want them to as long as you provide them ~~money~~, ~~health benefits~~, ~~food~~, ~~job security~~, ~~respect and~~ a script.

The life of an actor is a bitch. The work, time, and exploration of the inner workings of your psyche that you put into an audition are hardly worth the 30 seconds of pure judgement that you face once you are in the audition room. The amount of criticism a working actor faces on a daily basis would probably turn a non-actor’s heart to stone.

Here’s a brief synopsis of what an actor does every day…

Imagine you’ve just gone on a week-long vacation. When you return to work, everyone expects a detailed account of how you spent your time. No fewer than 5 people will ask you. And each person will expect a fresh, exciting response full of subtle, personalized details. They want to see you relive your memories so they can bask in your glory and connect with your basic human emotions. So you struggle to regurgitate the same story you just told 4 other times but to this new person who has never heard it before.

That. Is the life of an actor.

Watch this 30-second commercial.

It’s hard to believe but each person you see is an actor. Not someone found on the street. Not someone “discovered” in a karaoke bar. But an honest to god, “I played MacBeth in high school” actor.

Here’s the process leading up to this commercial:
1. Get an email from your agent saying you have an audition.
2. Read over the email and imagine yourself in the role. You love every second of it. It’s perfect. You are going to kill this audition. This was written for you.
3. Move your doctor’s appointment to clear a space for this audition of a lifetime.
4. Spend 30 minutes picking out the perfect jeans/t-shirt combo that will show off your body while not typecasting yourself; show your personality while also providing an accurate representation of what the product being sold means to you.
5. Read the breakdown 4 times in your car as you drive to the audition.
6. Show up, sign in, scan the room for potential competition.
7. Wait 2 hours past your audition time.
8. Hear your name called, stand up, smooth your shirt, run back for your headshots, enter the room, hand off headshots, stand on tape mark, introduce yourself to the camera, present your “impressive dance moves” as noted in the breakdown, struggle to make a joke after you are done but all that comes out is a grunting noise with some syllables, leave.
9. Immediately think of a dozen ways that you could have done it better.
10. Ruminate for 3 days about your profession.
11. Start to doubt your ability to convey simple emotions or your ability to relate to members of the general populous enough that they’d want to buy a sofa from you.
12. Consider taking some acting classes because you were on a roll for a while back there but you’ve obviously hit a dry spell. Maybe some breathing exercises. Perhaps a casting director seminar. Oh. A vacation. You did work 2 days last month on that 7-11 training video. You’ve earned this. Besides, with every purchase, you get bonus miles so, really, it would behoove you to take some time off. When you get back, you’ll hit the ground running with a fresh perspective and you’ll book everything.
13. Get a call from your agent saying you got the gig.
14. Call out from work and reschedule your doctors appointment so you can dance in a white room.

I can’t leave myself out of the equation… I can’t disclose the project but here’s a snippet of me dancing around as an Iggy-Pop-inspired fool just because someone told me they might give me money if I did.

But don’t think that all silly acting stories are bad eggs. Take, for example, Dean Wendt. You don’t know his name. You’ve never seen his face. But, I guarantee you, he has touched your life through the character that he plays. Look him up. You can thank me later.